How To Be Adults On Facebook

First of all, use your real name. Or, if you're one of those people who are completely paranoid about aliens seeking your personal data (but still can't help wanting to use Facebook), you can use your most common and easily recognizable nickname. But don't use cartoon character names, names combined with celebrity surnames (like "Bustamam Bieber") or names that are just plain stupid like "Jalan Mati" and expect people to accept your friend request.

Secondly, use a recognizable profile photo that makes people know it's you. Of course, you can distort the image any way you like, or photoshop the hell out of it to make yourself look like a million dollars because let's face it, our Facebook profile picture is the antithesis of the driving license picture. Why settle for a bad JPJ-conform picture as your default photo on Facebook when you can have complete control of the lighting, the pose, hairdo, and, being Photoshop savvy, are able to eradicate the smallest blemish on your face and destroy all proof that you possess skin pores. You can do anything you like with your profile picture, as long as you don't put a photo of a trash can. People who put trees and pots and cats as their profile pictures combined with stupid names such as "Perigi Buta" are so annoying they should be shot and steamrolled.

Thirdly, don't be passive aggressive on your status. I just hate it when people say "I love it when my room mates drink all of my apple juice", although he/she is aware that they're friends on FB. Drama will ensue in the comment section, although the rest of the people on their friend list don't give a shit. If you don't like something about someone, write a personal message directly into his/her FB inbox and talk it through. And by personal message, I don't mean writing "Hi roomie, could you please lower the volume when you watch porn late at night, because the walls are paper thin and I have early classes, thanks!" on his Facebook wall for all the world to see. Embarrassing people on Facebook is one of the easiest things to do, and the most childish too.

Fourthly, pretend to have a real life. A lot of young people spend more than 3 hours per day on Facebook #fact. But you don't have to update your status every 5 seconds, share EVERY funny video you stumble upon on the net, comment and like everything people put on their page, join every group imaginable, and change your profile picture so often your page looks like a Powerpoint slideshow.

Fifthly, stop stating the obvious. Writing "It's Saturday night!" on a Saturday night is just... dumb. Every Friday evening I see people putting "Finally it's the weekend" on their status, as if to reassure people that today is the last weekday of the week, because you know, some of their friends might not have a calendar. Stop doing it unless you have friends who, for some reason, are locked in a windowless basement room without a watch and/or a mobile phone, where the nights and days are a blur and they lose track of time and the only indicator of time at their disposition is their friends' FB status updates. ONLY then you're allowed to do it.

Lastly, don't exaggerate. When people put 1435 photos from a party they had last night, with status updates ranging from "excellent partyyyyyy!!!" to "the most amazing gathering in the whole worrrrllllddddd!", while I know for a fact that the party wasn't all that, it makes me puke. It's like Facebook is being the messenger of your made up happiness and your all-around awesomeness. Even if the party was great, you don't need to put up all five thousand pics on Facebook because a) most of the images have the same people in it, only with different facial expressions, and b) no one actually gives a shit. And please don't put photos of mundane everyday happenings like going to the supermarket etc. I don't get it when people post photos of them buying a watermelon, simply because well, buying watermelons doesn't deserve three thousand photos. If you think people are going to browse all of them one by one (or even ANY of them at all), you're one deluded, self-centred sonofabitch.

Thank you.